A few days ago I finished my second Snappcast with Matt Beran (two in a row!), and after a (very) awkward moment where Matt brought up that he was going to impersonate Chuck Norris in my S***-**w instance, and I gave a failed attempt at mocking the “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy” line by stating I had met Chuck Norris and Matt was no Chuck Norris (sorry Matt – but there’s only one Chuck), I had started to wonder…what if Chuck Norris had written ITIL?  After some lucid moments of speculation, here are just a few differences on how ITIL version C.Norris would have come out if it had been written by someone that truly knows how to provide value in the form of services….

1.  Problem Management would be gone.  With Chuck, there are no problems…

2.  The requirements for the ITIL Master qualification would already be established, and if you’re not Chuck Norris, you don’t qualify…

3.  ITIL would no longer need to be published in five separate books.  All the knowledge would be instantaneously delivered directly into your head by a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick…

4.  There would be no need for Continual Service Improvement.  With Chuck Norris driving ITSM, services will want to improve themselves…

5.  The section in ITIL detailing other frameworks and methodologies would immediately be removed.  If it’s written by Chuck Norris, it’s already the best…

6.  All 26 processes would be combined into a single process – Chuck Norris Roundhouse Management…

7.  Some organizations may want to implement a nonessential, secondary process of Unconscious Management.  This is for those that think ITIL can’t be done with a single process.  This is just a warning – you’re dealing with Chuck Norris after all…

8.  Each ITIL certification test would require the candidate to break a cinder block with a randomly chosen body part.  Chuck Norris doesn’t waste time with multiple choice questions…

9.  ITIL version C.Norris would never have any updates.  Chuck would have gotten it right the first time…

10.  Jokes such as “IT’IL end in tears” will not apply, unless you piss of Chuck.  But even then, the joke would be “IT’IL end so quickly, you’ll be unconscious before you hit the floor…”

11.  With Chuck Norris at the ITIL helm, 95% of companies would have successfully implemented a CMDB (it would actually be at 100%, but Chuck would want to be nice and let the authors of other frameworks think they have a niche in the market)…

12.  There would only be two functions:  Chuck Norris Followers, and those that are trying to remember their names after Chuck finishes with them…

13.  Business Relationship Management will not need to exist.  Chuck already knows what the business wants.  In fact, the business may want to invest in ITCNM (Information Technology Chuck Norris Management)…

14.  The Deming cycle of “plan, do, check, act” would be rewritten as the Chuck Norris cycle of “roundhouse kick, done.”  “Checking” is only useful if it’s for a pulse, and Chuck doesn’t “plan”….ever…

15.  No vendor would ever dare align their software with ITIL.  A company that advertises “We use Chuck Norris” would not survive for long…

16.  ITIL Experts would wear black belts and break wooden boards to prove their expertise.  Do you really think Chuck Norris would allow papers tacked up on a wall to act as certifications?

17.  ITIL training providers would be renamed as “dojo’s”…

 

There you have it…a few changes in ITIL if it had been written by Chuck Norris.  One day, maybe we’ll see his name on the author list.  Of course, in that case there wouldn’t be a list since no one would dare put their name next to Chuck.